Tuesday, October 23, 2012

"I Think I Like Who I Am Becoming"

I don't say that in a bragging-type-of-way.  I have this saying on my fridge because it is a reminder to me.

A reminder of my purpose in life right now.  Being a mother.  Being a wife.  Being self-less (wellllll...... Trying to be..... Most of the time ;). 

I must admit, I feel pretty dang frumpy most of the time.  I don't have a hairstylist in Arizona that I trust.  My best friend has done my hair for EVER, but sadly, she lives in Utah.  I have been left to coloring my own hair and haven't had it cut since..... Well, a long time (I don't want to reveal just how long it has been..)
I STILL have 5 pounds to lose of baby weight.  And to be honest, I don't know if I will ever lose the rest of it.  But I am coming to realize and be okay with the fact that I will probably never look the way I did when I got married.  Well, as a result a lot of my pants are still a little too tight..... So I don't really wear my normal (some of them cute) clothes.  And right now I feel most comfortable in just baggier clothes.

Anyway.  This is not a complaining session (really?  It sure sounds like it)... What I'm leading up to is this:  If 5 years ago if I were to see myself today, I might have a mini panic attack.  I mean, lets be real, I'm not a sight to see these days.  There are many days where I throw my hair up in a messy bun, and don't even bother with the make-up.  The blood shot eyes is slowly becoming my defining characteristic.  

But I think I like who I'm becoming. 

I like that I'm a mother, and I try to devote most of my time to my kids.  The fact that I don't get ready one morning means that I was busy down on my back on the carpet playing airplane with Roslyn.  If I didn't get my face washed and perfume on that day, it's alright because I was busy running Addi to preschool, where she gets to develop her ever-growing imagination and expand her little mind. 

I think that these are some of the very best days of my life.

I love my little Roz-Boz.  I love to rock her to sleep and sing her songs.  Addi will come in when I'm putting Roz down for bed and sing primary songs with me to get her to sleep.  Sometimes Addi will fall asleep on the floor in Roz's room as we sing.  These are precious times that I will truly miss someday. 

Addi is becoming more mature, well for a 4 year old, that is.  She really helps me out a lot.  At first when Roslyn was born I would ask her to help just to try and include her.  But now, I truly need her help, and sometimes I don't think I could do it without her help.  She is a sassy, fiery little spunky girl.  She has got the rolling her eyes thing down pat.  She can storm out of a room and make you think the world had gone up in flames.  But I love her.  She is a good girl.  She has a strong testimony.  She really feels things.  She is in tune with her emotions and is good at expressing them.  She loves to be held.  Still.  She loves to be loved.

This semester has been SO MUCH easier than the previous 2.  Matt only goes into school twice a week and is home (albeit studying) the rest of the week.  Honestly, I truly thought I was going to go crazy having him home this much.  I have been pleasantly surprised that I love having him here.  I feel blessed, to say the least, to be married to him.  He's such a good person. 
Side Note:  The way we parent is completely different than what I thought it would be.  He's definitely the "fun one" and I'm the "mean one".   In fact, we teach primary and we trade off weeks to teach... Well, one of the girls in our class said to him last week, "How come when you teach its all fun and when Sister Ivers teaches it's all business?"  This is also true for our parenting styles...........

Where was I going with all of this?

Ah yes.  I am learning that being a mother and wife isn't always glorious.  In fact, to the world, it rarely is.  Some days I want to run away.  Just for a little bit.  Some days I don't think I can handle all the crying from the baby and the whining from a 4 year old.  Some days I want to send Matt off to Tim-Buck-Too.  Some days I just want to lie down and cry. 
And some days I do :) 
And then I feel better and I get up and realize that this is called Motherhood.  It's not always a dream come true, but it's possibly the best thing that God can give us. 

I Love It.

I love my girls.  I love being married to my best friend, as cheesy and mushy as that may sound.  
For whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it.  
I remember that scripture from when I was a missionary.  It was kind of the theme of my mission.  I remember how i loved losing myself in His name and by serving Him.
And now I try to remember that as I serve Him by raising His precious daughters. 

I think I like who I am becoming. 



Anonymous said...

I love you, Tara. That was inspiring. What a good woman and a good mom you are!

Shari and Trent said...

Love this, I feel the same way! I rarely dress up anymore, I am lucky if I get my hair done. I never thought I would be that way, but it's okay I have decided!

Bret and Ashlee said...

Love reading your posts! I love that you are so honest, sure miss you. We need to get together next time you are in Utah. Glad all is well!

Adam & Leesha Wickern said...

you're so cute! I miss and love you!

Nick and Rebekah said...

Good work on getting a post out! This was super good... Thanks for the reminders because a lot of days I feel the same. Love you.

Jennifer said...

Love this post Tara! It's so much harder being a Mom than I ever thought it would be...but I wouldn't trade it for the world:)